As she bid goodbye to the guests, Rani kept thinking of the words which Suyaash, her friend, told her at the party – “Girls have no problem, they can easily quit their job and sit at home for 6 months till they find a new job. They have “Helpers” like us to depend upon!!” Of course, Suyaash meant husbands!
As she lay down on her king sized bed, Rani kept thinking who is the “Helper” in her life? Which “Helper” can she depend upon if she quits her job? All the “Helpers” she ever knew of were her parents!! As night dawned, she kept conjecturing how true Suyaash’s words were for her? With millions of contemplations in her mind, her thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang. And the love of her life entered, her 4 year old son, Vihaan. And holding her hand, Vihaan said – Mama I love you!
Rani starred at him and the guilt came back again! Did she not allow her son to have a normal life? Will she ever be able to explain Vihaan why she did it? Rani’s thoughts flew back to past one year when she decided to move away from the shackles of a loveless marriage to a new life. She very well knew it would be a stigma for a small town girl. Parents, relatives, friends, how would she ever explain to them that she chose not to fake the quintessential way of life by choosing to stick to marriage just for the sake of society? How would she explain that she doesn’t need a “Helper” in her life and had the courage to live life on her own terms?
Single mother, single working professional, single one stop solution to all needs; her significant others told her that this decision of hers to walk away from marriage won’t fly. Questions were raised by closed ones – those people in society for whom marriage was a legally recognized social contract between two people where you are not allowed to deviate. Even after a year, those questions were still afresh – Won’t you need a companion? Will you be able to pull this with a 4 year old kid! Adornment of Bangles, Bindis, Bicchiyas became more important, but having the courage to walk away from what didn’t make her happy seemed not to go well with lot of her near and dear ones.
As she looked at Vihaan, she reminisced her time with Abhay before they got separated. All those times when she had enabled Abhay’s laziness were vividly flashing before her. Fitting everything into those 24 hours, was not easy for Rani. From managing work to paying her bills, from managing Vihaan to ensuring that Abhay never missed a meal of the day, from being a high achieving professional to bearing the C-section scar proudly, from being the only child of her parents to being a responsible daughter-in-law, she never complained when she did all this without any help. Sometimes she would hear from Abhay – but I never told you to do all this!
Rani remembered those years of marriage with Abhay, those lack of conversations, those times when there was no energy left to revive the relationship, when she and Abhay looked at each other only to be sure it was not working, yet adorn that fake smile on seeing any additional soul, that physical affection going out of the window, those subtle undertones where they knew they had nothing to talk but had to stay under one roof, that underlying and unresolved feeling of why “us”, that time when they knew it was not a rough patch but a permanent loveless marriage. Did they sign up for this life?
Whom could she explain this to? Because nobody would understand. The reason nobody would understand is because there were no visible scars outside. She had heard people tell her – oh your separation was an easy one, there was no toxicity! Really! Rani believed that physical scars can be erased but when life throws emotional scars at you, it does take time to heal. Those are wounds that never show on your body but those are deeper and more hurtful that anything that bleeds. But who would ever understand that?
But not anymore! Finally Rani realized that there is another world possible and time has come to explore it! And it was a mutual decision, but of course, society thought Rani could never make it. The guardians of society questioned her time and again with 2 of their favourite questions – First, Rani, what exactly went wrong because we didn’t see anything? And second, how will you handle Vihaan?
Rani normally never bothered to answer the first question because she was never a conformist to principles that only existed in the mind. Those emotional scars in those 9 years of marriage were only for her to see and she wouldn’t bother making a propaganda of it. Rani realized she and Abhay didn’t fall out of love, rather, they were never in love. It was a hasty transition to marriage which could never garner companionship.
But the second question bothered her! People asked Rani, don’t you think Vihaan would have been happier if you and Abhay were together? He needed a father as per society! But society never realized that when Rani and Abhay were not in it together, how could they ever keep Vihaan happy? All in all, society wanted her and Abhay to “stay together” but “not stay happy”.She still remembers when Abhay had questioned her in the first month of pregnancy – do you want to keep Vihaan because this relationship won’t work? You and I can never make it in life! But, Rani, chose to keep Vihaan because she knew she could!
She felt as if she and Abhay were leading two invisible parallel lives, unable to relate to each other. She had self-sabotaged her relation with her own self and others; that blistering feeling of whitewashing the entire institution of her marriage with Abhay and be happy again never seemed to end. Those stares at other couples when they walked hand in hand, that slow piling up of annoyances, pain and bitterness, that feeling of loneliness on losing oneself, that gut and that instinct which told her it isn’t working. Wanting to stay, wanting to go, she realized that truth won’t go away if she refused to face it.
Finally she chose to be free. She chose to be free from a man whom she had known for 14 years, but perhaps just “known”. She vividly remembered the fresher’s day in college when she saw Abhay walking the ramp for the fashion show, oozing loads of confidence while the entire crowd was cheering for him. He won the fashion show competition, elocution, quiz, mimicry and came out of the classroom with flying grades. Yes, her heart did miss a beat for him! But was it love, was it a hurry to step into marriage, or was it the fact that it was just not meant to be? Keeping aside those ifs and buts, it was time to move on. She realized taking charge of her own happiness was far more important than de-stigmatizing annulment of the legal bond which society calls divorce. At 40, she wanted to choose another world!
Perhaps one day Vihaan would understand why she chose to take the step! Taking Vihaan in her arms, Rani wanted to explain him that his mother did not give up on life but simply knew when to walk away. Deciding to separate in no way meant failing the relationship or that the relationship wasn’t important. It just meant that it has run its course and has little more to offer either of both. His mother took the brave decision to walk away knowing very well that separation isn’t an isolated event; rather it unfolds over many years. Still, she chose NOT to be part of a couple who were unhappy but still decide to stay married “for their children’s sake.” She was clear – unhappy parents do not tend to raise happy children.
Today after a year, there is no looking back for Rani. She co-parents with dignity, looks and feels happy, takes care of her own self, goes on solo trips, pursues her passion for writing, holds Vihaan in one hand while climbing the corporate ladder with the other and most importantly, Rani is on the greatest path of emotional recovery with happiness at her doorstep. She is now ready to turn the previous pages of her life for a new chapter. Rani believes that everyone deserves infinite chances at happiness. Her self-guarded sheath finally began to melt. The survival mechanisms that she had activated after being hurt and the armor of self-protection that she had built for anything that had the potential to hurt her again seemed to fade. As she looked at Vihaan, she knew that she had taken the right decision and will never let it affect Vihaan.
Today people tell her, Rani, you have changed! Only Rani knew from within that she had not changed, rather she had outgrown herself for the better. She was not the same soul because a lot had changed her and the previous version of her no longer existed. She discovered her wings to fly. She still doesn’t conform to society’s norms and society also doesn’t cease to tag her. Honestly nothing matters now, because Rani is happy and more importantly can keep Vihaan happy. Rough waters have taught her strengths she never knew existed within her.
When she looked at Vihaan, cuddled and sleeping in her lap, Rani knew that being a single mother takes more in life and she was ready for it. Her emotions came to life, sparks which were latent for 14 years flew again, that magic which was dead suddenly revived, happy kind of nervousness flowed as if someone had lifted an unknown weight from her shoulders. Rani knew she would be able to keep Vihaan happy and Vihaan would understand the story of her life!
At 40, Rani chose another world because she knew it was possible! For her, choosing to be a single mother wasn’t a tragedy, it was a happy ending and today in this new world, she is her own “Helper” and happily ever after is no longer a fairy tale for her!
She knew it felt right!
And as Rani always says – I am a single parent – what’s your superpower?
Writer: Priyanka Mohanty
Artist: Priyanshi Borad
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